A Solution to Rising Crime rates

Almost daily the newspapers publish statistics on how the crime rate across the United States is on the rise. Local police departments decry the lack of personnel, police cruisers, and armament to deal with criminals that roam our streets and alleys. Citizens hire off-duty cops to patrol their neighborhoods and petition their lawmakers to let them carry guns. The time for a modern day “OK Corral” shootout may be nearer than you think.

Fear not fellow citizens, the solution to rising crime rates is as close as your television set. Daily, hourly, minute by minute, murder, child abuse, rape, robbery, extortion, kidnapping culprits are being arrested, tried and convicted on TV series like “Law and Order” in all its forms, “CSI” in all its permutations, “Without a Trace”, “NCIS”, “The Mentalist”, “Lie to Me”, and on and on and on. Just think of how the load on police agencies would be alleviated if we were to parcel out crime to the appropriate TV show. Not only that, but think of the time saved by the judicial system when the criminals are brought to justice in an hour, minus time for commercials of course.

And speaking of commercials, surely Congress could find a way to share in the millions of dollars that sponsors would pour into these real “reality” shows. And don’t forget product placement fees. Cops would prominently display the Starbuck brand on their coffee cups, chomp on Dunkin Donuts, and offer the reluctant guests in their interrogation rooms a choice of regular or diet Coke. The nation’s trillion dollar budget deficit could be wiped out in the click of a remote.

So people arise! Demand that Congress launch an initiative to establish a Department of Television Justice in an Hour (DTJH) to distribute the pursuit and adjudication of all crimes across the full spectrum of related TV series. It is our patriotic right to demand that all crimes be solved and that all the perpetrators be appropriately punished in an hour so that our police officers can more fruitfully spend their time giving tickets for parking and jaywalking as soon as they get back from their coffee and donut breaks.